This is true for Jehovah's Witnesses, and I've learned it's true for many who were a part of Christian fundamentalism at large. We were taught to ignore, suppress, and even to be afraid of our doubts. I remember repeatedly being taught that doubts, while something everyone has to deal with, must be suppressed through fervent prayer. I was taught, and you probably were too, that doubts are a symptom of spiritual warfare between good and evil, and one of the devil's tools for leading people astray. Doubting is caused by weakened faith, the result of the devil and his evil spirits, and the remedy is to somehow read the bible better and to pray better, asking god to take away your weaknesses.
The Jehovah's Witnesses say in their literature that entertaining doubts by doing research outside of what their organization says is one of the foremost paths to apostasy. This is actually something I agree 100% with... I just think apostasy is a good thing.
It's really funny to me how they admit that if anyone does research outside of the information they curate, that person will quickly "fall into darkness" and stop being a Jehovah's Witness. They come right out and say it to scare their followers because the reality is if anyone spends time critically examining what they publish that person will leave. This is why your doubts are your way out.
Let's examine from a high level the pattern of belief that is created by fundamentalism. To do that I've created this flow chart.
Because of the doctrine of original sin we all believed we were awful sinners who fall short of the glory of god. So god decided to send his son down to Earth to be sacrificed for our sake. Because of that we now have the possibility of being saved and avoiding some form of eternal punishment.
What happens in an individual's psyche who accepts this dogma is that person will move between two extremes. One day that person might actually believe they are saved and all is good. But eventually something will happen that makes them question their salvation. Perhaps they commit a sin.
This sends them into the mindset of being an awful sinner. Being an awful sinner creates a cycle of guilt > punishment > shame that can keep people trapped in depression and fear. After a period of time, that person may feel they have repented enough or will somehow pull themselves out of that cycle and shoot up through being an awful sinner to once again feeling that they are saved.
But most people don't sit in the feeling of being saved for long. This is because we don't ever know if we are saved or not. There isn't a clearly identifiable or validating way of knowing it to be true.
Meanwhile, everyone can think of so many ways they have fallen short and sinned - white lies that we've told, times we've lost our temper, that time we stole a candy bar, when we skipped out on church because we were hung over... you get the picture. The idea of Jesus dying for our sins and that we are now saved is honestly so grandiose and incomparable to anything in our real life experience, it's a hard thing to swallow. Underlying that feeling of being saved is another feeling that we aren't. And eventually that feeling will surface sending us right back into the cycle of guilt > punishment > shame.
I believe this overall cycle is a main reason people keep coming back to church. It's the reason why butts fill pews and the confession box isn't just collecting dust. Why preachers and pastors and priests all find employment. It's because it's a cycle that offers only temporary relief and a lot of suffering. It creates a problem where the only solution is to believe something grandiose and unrealistic.
We have been made afraid of doubting something ridiculous, which keeps us zealous in our pursuit of diminishing the doubt. Constantly needing to remind ourselves of our salvation. People do this by only consuming christian media, hanging signs and pictures and crosses all over the house. Only associating with other church goers. Constantly praying and asking for forgiveness. Attending church and church groups several times a week and reading the Bible daily. The list goes on. These are actually mind control tactics being presented as our armor against darkness and we are taught to self-regulate our doubts, by continually indoctrinating ourselves into the belief system. The reality is that people need to do these things to completely immerse themselves in the dogma so that they don't question it.
Once someone starts to entertain their doubts, however, the grip of control can quickly start to loosen. It takes bravery to entertain doubts and it is a hard thing to do. Yes, it leads to freedom from the control cycle. But it also can lead to a lot of pain, heartbreak, anger, and confusion. Shaking off the chains of mind control and indoctrination can be a painful process. But in the end it's absolutely worth it.
If you are going through this and would like some support, I would love to talk with you. You are doing a brave thing.
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